New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
