upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
