does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
