So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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