you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
