I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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