Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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