Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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