we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
