He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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