Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
