New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
