Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
