you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
