Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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