I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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