R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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