I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
