Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's official drugs can't kill me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
