I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I haven't been this sober since birth.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
