I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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