I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, beer. Big fan.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
