if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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