I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
