happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Randomize
