Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
