You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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