I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
