I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
