I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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