he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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