I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
