I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
