Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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