I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
