I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
