Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
