Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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