Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
