Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
