I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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