i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
