T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We are two peas in an std pod
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
