the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
