That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
