why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
