So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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