M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
