Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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