if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
