The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
