yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
