I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left an ass print on the piano.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
