Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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