I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
