i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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